The Power of Prioritizing Self-Care as a Mom: Overcoming the Guilt and 6 Strategies to Manage It
By: Embracing Her Den
If you’re feeling mom guilt and having trouble with self-care you’re not alone.
Currently, I’m a mom of 2, have a wonderful husband, and I am a stay-at-home mom. For so long I struggled with feeling mom guilt. Literally, since my first was a newborn. I couldn’t fathom leaving her. Skip, to now almost 7 years later and I still feel some guilt. That’s normal, I know. For so long I’ve been feeling this disconnect. It’s been hard to explain, like something is missing and I’m not sure why.
Doing some reflecting, I haven’t been able to prioritize myself since before having my own kids. When kids are so young it’s very difficult. I feel like the first years are the hardest, in my opinion. When children are not as self sufficient (yes, I know, every stage is hard and comes with its own difficulties). It’s a beautiful gift, but let’s not deny it is a taxing one as well. Maybe what I am missing is myself. My own care. I’ve been working on it over the past couple years, and I’ve come a long way. It’s been a journey and I’m still working on this. What I can tell you is that it is possible! I’m breaking the habit, and it is FREEING.
In my last post regarding self-care, Self-Care: A Path to Honoring Our Family and Ourselves, I discussed the ways we are influenced by our families and society that make it difficult to feel worthy of self-care. My Mom did not take proper care of herself and that was unfortunately passed on to me. In turn, it is affecting myself and my family. We cannot take care of others if we are not taking care of ourselves.
I would say my number one value is my family. I cannot honor myself or them when I am not taking care of myself. In what way? Well, I become irritable, easily overstimulated, and distant. It hurts my family and mental health as well.
The first step is recognizing where we are in our journey.
To recap from my last post, next time we catch ourselves feeling unworthy of taking time for ourselves let’s question:
Do these thoughts support or oppose my values? In what ways?
Is this thought true? Is this thought helpful?
How would taking time for myself make me a better mom? Spouse? Friend? Daughter?
Now how do we go from here? Let’s first explore the reasons WHY moms feel guilty for taking time for themselves and why I always felt it.
put needs last to appease others.
put needs last to avoid conflict.
feel it’s selfish.
gender roles.
how you were raised.
quantity of time is more important than quality.
only you know what your child needs and you take care of them the best, so it makes it hard to leave.
and much more.
Do any of these reasons resonate with you? Whatever the reason, you do not necessarily have to focus on how you got here (with the support of a therapist or close support you can unpack this), but you can focus on what you need to do right now. Without guilt.
There are several reasons I’m affected by mom’s guilt. I put my needs last since becoming a mom. I know many moms do that and it’s a big reason for lacking self-care. As I mentioned before, how I was raised affected how I viewed motherhood. It was instilled in me from a young age that mothers give their all and then some. It rested in my subconscious that I’m a terrible mother if I take time for myself.
With my first child, I had crippling anxiety about leaving her at home as an infant. I cried for 3 hours straight the night before I was supposed to go back to work (not joking) after maternity leave. I felt like I needed to be with my baby, I knew best, I just wanted so badly to stay home with her. Eventually my anxiety subsided. My mother-in-law was more than capable of watching her (big shout out to her). I just had this irrational thought about being a bad mom if I left.
There could be a whole essay on the way gender roles influence individual’s beliefs and attitudes, but I’ll give a short summary. We are positioned as caretakers who are supposed to be naturally nurturing and if you’re not, well, what’s wrong with you? There are societal expectations placed on Moms and we are fed it through the media all the time. I know it makes me feel like I should be a “better housewife” all the time. I should be put together and I’m always falling short.
6 Strategies to Manage the Guilt in order to Improve Self-Care:
1. Give yourself grace
The amount of pressure us modern mothers put on ourselves is immense. If you’re struggling, give yourself grace.
2. Talk it out
It can help lighten your emotional burden. Talk to your partner, therapist, another mom, etc.
3. Share responsibilities
Communicate to your partner that you need some “me time”. Let them do the dishes so you can get out of the house. Don’t let the guilt of leaving the children, housework, or whatever it is hold you back.
4. Positive self-talk
I used to tell myself all the time how much of a horrible mother I was because basically I could not do it all. I used to beat myself up so badly and looking back, man I was the worst to myself. Lift yourself up, imperfection is okay! I’m not going to lie, I’m not always the nicest to myself. I know, though, I’m not a horrible mother. Girl, you are more than capable of handling whatever is being thrown your way! You are worthy of love, respect, and time for yourself!
5. Challenge the negative beliefs
My irrational thinking that I was so horrible because I couldn’t balance cleaning the entire house, spend my entire day entertaining my kids, etc. was destroying me internally. Next time ask yourself, is this thought true? What’s the evidence? Is it helpful? How is this thought holding me back?
6. Find support
whether that be a friend, family member, therapist. Find supportive people who don’t shame you. Ask them for help when you need it.
It is essential that we take time for ourselves! Let's work on ditching the mom guilt!
Follow me for relatable mom content as well as on my self-care journey through my blog and Instagram! More content to come!
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